Some crazy things that I have learned since joining the BDSM Community

Do not call anyone Master or Mistress unless they ask me to, even if I’m not theirs. This is simply a term of respect. Sir is more often used. And depending upon where you live and how strict your community is, you might be able to get away with calling them by their first name. The whole first name thing is good and bad. Good because you have something to call them, bad because sometimes you might forget and think that they are your friend when in fact they are a Dom/Domme and still deserve that respect. Sometimes the lines get blurred and it gets pretty confusing! 

You need to know what it is that you want or don’t want and if you’re not sure, don’t go jumping into a relationship or training with a Dom/Domme. And don’t go thinking that just because you’re ‘friends’ with a Dom/Domme that they are going training you and that one day you might belong to them. Yes, that may happen, but you need to be prepared for it not to happen because nothing in this life is certain. Do not cause drama within your group/club/dungeon. If you belong to a large group it’s not so bad trying to keep the drama to a minimum. However if you belong to a small group, due to geographic location, I personally think that gossiping and drama are going to happen. Yes you can still try to keep it to a minimum, but you’re all going to be talking to each other and know what’s going on with everyone in the group. Speculation as to why one person or another isn’t at a party and what is going on with a Dom/Domme and his/her sub. Let’s face it, it’s going to happen! One thing to keep in mind, as a single sub, in looking for a Dom/Domme it is important to find a match in kinks. If you’re not into let’s say needle play, then you certainly don’t want a Dom/Domme who is. If you’re into pain, then you’re going to be looking for a Sadist. Then there are always going to be some Dom’s/Domme’s who think that the whole thing is about sex and others who don’t think that at all. In fact your local group/club/dungeon might even have stipulations on the whole sex thing. Not saying sex is bad or anything, just remember that BDSM isn’t all about the sex, there are many other aspects of the lifestyle!

Be smart when learning to negotiate doing a scene. Let the Dom/Domme/Top know about your hard limits. Everyone has hard limits, some more than others, some less, but everyone has them. Always have a safeword. A lot of places use the Red, Yellow, Green system. Green is good to go, Yellow means slow down and let’s see what’s not working, Red the scene stops. In some places if you use your safeword, like Red, then you’re done for the night. Just remember, the rules are different for each place and you’ll need to make sure that you understand those rules before you begin. 

Although Dom’s/Domme’s are often willing to share their talents with you and tease you, do not assume that they are considering you. If a Dom/Domme shows interest, they will ask to train you and then it is up to you to decide if you think they are a good match or not. If you do decide to go into training, that is kind of like ‘going steady’ in the vanilla world, as if they were your boyfriend or girlfriend. Although every situation is different, most of the time, a Dom, when committed to training someone, will not allow you to play with anyone else without permission. 

After being trained by the Dom/Domme for a period of time, the Dom/Domme might want to put you under consideration. This would be like being engaged in the vanilla world. At this point in time, both of you think that you’re compatible enough to have a serious BDSM relationship. And just like an engagement, all have different wait periods for different reasons, so don’t compare one relationship to another. 

The last step is the collaring or owning. This is a very unique to each pairing. No one is the same and no relationship is either. 

So even though this whole scenario sounds simple, it is anything but simple! You’ll learn to make your way into your local group and see what does and doesn’t work for you. If you’re lucky, if it doesn’t work, there is another group nearby that you can try. And if you’re lucky you’ll be in a group who meets often, has training nights for new people or people wanting to learn something new. The community by in large is very accepting of everyone. We all believe that just because this is my kink doesn’t mean that it is your kink. We all have different things that get us off and that we enjoy.
Have fun and always remember, Safe Sane and Consensual!