Protocol & Playing

First let me start out by saying that it is perfectly okay to go to a party and not play. It’s okay to simply go and watch the different scenes and learn things without playing. If you are asked if you want to play, a simple ‘no’ will do the trick. If they follow you around, ask you repeatedly to play or make you uncomfortable, let the host or the DM know right away. 

Okay, on with the show! Deciding to go to a munch or a party can leave you terrified, excited and maybe even apprehensive. Trust me, even after a few parties, I still get those feelings each and every single time. It is a big decision and you may not know what to expect. Let me remind you, what you read about in books isn’t necessarily what you’re going to be seeing at the party. You’re going to question your decision to go, you’re going to question the people at the party, question the scenes. If at all possible, take a friend with you, at least you can be shocked together! 

So, before you go, make sure you know the rules. Hopefully there is a set of written rules for the club or dungeon where the party is to take place. If not, make sure that the host or the DM informs you of all of the rules. 

You need to prepare yourself for what you’re going to see. All clubs and dungeons are different, but they all have some of the same basic equipment; a cage or two, maybe some racks, definitely a St. Andrews Cross or two, spanking benches, maybe swings and stocks, a suspension bar. The Dom’s will usually bring their own toy bags filled with all kinds of lovely things! They will usually bring their own rope, restraints, floggers, whips, canes and anything else that suits their fancy. 

Are you scared yet?! Don’t be. People in the lifestyle are some of the nicest people that I’ve met and are so accepting of everyone else!

One thing to keep in mind, be friendly. A party can be intimidating for lots of people, especially shy people, but if you put yourself out there and are accepting, you’ll have a wonderful positive experience and come away with a great impression of the party and the people. If you’re not playing because you’re new, see if you can hang out with another member, have them explain the layout of the club and the scenes to you. Ask questions if you don’t understand what is going on. Kinksters are very easy people to talk to and they’re more than willing to educate you on what is going on. Don’t look down on people who are playing and doing something that you have no interest in. Your kink is your kink and their kink is theirs, that doesn’t mean that you have to like or agree with it, just respect it. 

Totally confused? Don’t worry, it does get easier the more you’re out there and the longer you’re in the lifestyle. In the title I mention Protocol. I don’t want this to be confused with a ‘high protocol’ D/s relationship. Sorry….I’m not going to be on my knees for every blasted thing, my poor knees can’t take that. By Protocol I mean the correct conduct, rules and acceptable behavior at munches and parties. Think of it as like Etiquette (yes…that old-fashioned word!) which would be the requirements of social behavior, the customs at such social groups or gatherings. Basically I’m talking about the behavior at the munches/parties. A lot of this should once again be in the rules that you should have received prior to going to a party. 

Okay, on to some very important things! 

1.      Ask questions! You’ll find that most Kinksters are very open about things and willing to share their knowledge. Watching scenes is one thing, understanding it is another. Ask lots of questions and you’ll get lots of answers!

2.      Don’t play if you haven’t eaten a little bit! I find that eating a small snack and having some water is best. I won’t actually eat until after I’ve played.

3.      Don’t interrupt a scene! If it’s you’re first party, if you have questions, wait until after the scene and the Dom has taken care of his/her sub. Make sure that you stay far enough away from the scene so that you’re not in the way. In some clubs/dungeons you can get fairly close to the scene area. Just be careful to maintain a respectful distance. Keep your hands to yourself. You don’t want to be interrupting a scene, going in and ‘inviting’ yourself in and trying to help out. Unless you’re invited into the scene, don’t touch anyone in the scene!

4.      Use your safeword! Most clubs use the green, yellow, red system. Some places if you call red, you’re done not only with that scene, but you’re done for the night. Each and every single place is different.

5.      Each club/dungeon is different. Although getting naked is kind of a must for some scenes, penetration may or may not be allowed. Once again, this is going to be in the rules that you should have already read and agreed to.

6.      Some places are more formal than others. Some places you will be able to refer to a Dom/Domme by their first name, others you won’t and will be calling them Sir or Ma’am or something along those lines.

7.      Dress codes. There are dress codes for munches and dress codes for parties. Because munches are generally held in public, you’re expected to dress accordingly and not wear any fetishwear. Parties are a completely different story! Some places have theme nights and everyone follows the theme….okay, mainly the subs. Those lucky Dom’s get to wear pretty much whatever they want to wear!

8.      One of the most important things to remember…..Have fun!

One important thing that needs to be mentioned in this day and age of technology….cell phones. We all know that we have a life outside of the lifestyle. Some have children that may call during a party, a babysitter that may call during a party, or you may get a text from a friend that couldn’t make to the party. 

The use of cell phones should be governed by the party rules. I say should but like I’ve said, each and every single club/dungeon is different. 

Pictures taken at parties is usually strictly forbidden. However I know that those with camera’s on their phones have taken pics at parties before and posted with approval on places like Fetlife. The host or the DM needs to make sure that the rules are completely understood. 

You’re there to play and that should take precedence unless there is an emergency and you need to be on your phone. 

The biggest problems, to my way of thinking are the ‘unwritten’ rules. If you’re told one thing and that x, y, and z shouldn’t happen and yet you see that rule broken left and right, you need to bring that to the host or DM’s attention. It’s not that you’re trying to get anyone in trouble, more along the lines of questioning what is right and what is wrong. The ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ rule pretty much applies to all parties. 

I truly hope that you’re experience and foray into the clubs/dungeons of kinksters is a fun and enjoyable experience!