I don’t understand men! Men in general are difficult to
understand… you should try to understand a Dom! Ugh! I find it difficult to talk to men (outside of
work and a few friends) and Dom’s especially. Sometimes I feel like they think
I should know exactly what I’m doing and should understand the ins and outs of
everything. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself because I feel that
if I say what I want to say, it’ll be the wrong thing. Lordy do I get confused!
I feel like I’m out in left field, all alone and no support!
It is times like this that I wish I had a mentor! A mentor is supposed to be
someone who helps you through the ups and downs in the lifestyle. A lot of
newer subs in a group find a mentor who is interested in the things that they
are interested in. Well in my case, there are plenty of more experienced subs
who would be able to help, but when I mentioned a mentor….I just got that ‘look.’
It would be nice to have one though, because I believe I really need one, then
I don’t think I’d make little mistakes or be so worried about things. I made one mistake. I apologized for it. I
get it, I completely understand that I made a mistake, something I’m not likely
to do again. I’m not blaming anyone at all for that, I did it and I owned up to
it, end of story.
The gist of it is I’m out of action for a few months. I miss being a part of that community where I
let ME out and let ME relax and let someone else take over. I had come to
really depend on the parties to be able to let go, to give up that tight
control over everything that I have, and now I can’t do that. I miss being
strung up. I miss the floggers and yeah, I really miss the dragon tail. I
really miss the feeling that I had afterwards…the feeling of peace and
contentment…..
So yup, I’m feeling a bit down, the next get-together is
coming up and seeing all of my friends are going and everyone is going to have
a good time, it’s difficult for me. I’ve been having to make sure that on the
day of a party I have to keep myself super busy because then I get to thinking
too much and it hurts, and not the kind of hurt that I want!
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