Self-Image, the good, the bad, & the ugly!

One of the things that most (yes I’m generalizing) of us women face is a poor self-image. This is not to be confused with things like being self-conscious or being self-aware. This is how we as women see ourselves, how others see us and how we see ourselves based on how others see us. Sounds confusing? 

A lot of women have a poor self-image of themselves. Maybe they were teased as a child. Children can be so mean! And then that carried over into adulthood. And believe it or not, a poor self-image can also come from a different personality type. Type A people (yup…that would be me) tend to have negative self-image (again, yup that would be me). We tend to set the standard so high, for so many things, and our image is one of those. 

Women who are victims of abuse and manipulation also tend to have a poor self-image (again this would be me). I’ve learned a new word, Victimisation. This is when victims of abuse and manipulation get trapped into a self-image. Ugh…I’m seeing a pattern here! These ‘victims’ still maintain a sense of ‘helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression.  I put ‘victims’ in quotes cause I don’t see myself as a victim because of my past. I see myself as a survivor.  Okay, moving on.

I once read a book where the sub had such a poor self-image that the Dom required her to study herself in the mirror at least once a day and report back to him as to what she called her deficiencies. The Dom would then take her and show her the positives that she couldn’t see. Throughout the book you could see her awareness of herself changing and her thoughts about her self-image changing.

I do have a hard time with my looks. Some days are good, others are not. 

Yes, it all stems from childhood and being teased. “____, ____ two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door!” It’s crappy that 20+ years later I can still remember my cousins teasing me about this. And yet when I look back at my pictures, I was not large, at least not by today’s standards. I was heavily into sports and then I joined the military right out of high school. And if you know anything about the military, any of the branches, you’ll understand that boot camp is not a piece of cake, it is not a walk in the park, it was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done.  So here I was thinking I had a smoking hot bod and then I got married to a not so nice guy (not going into that!). Came out of that at one of the lowest points in my life. I have been steadily trying to get back to where I was mentally, if not physically, ever since then. 

Needless to say, that I don’t know when or if I will ever think of my body in a really good light ever again. But here is where the lifestyle does a tremendous favor to a lot of large women…..people in the lifestyle just don’t care!!!  Some of the first contact I had with Dom’s in the lifestyle, I made sure to mention that I’m not a small woman by any means. I’ve been told countless times that that doesn’t matter. That size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. It’s what a Dom is looking for in a sub that counts, not what she looks like on the outside. Outer wrappings are nice, but they’re looking for what’s in the heart, mind and soul of their sub. And honestly, that is something that I find so wonderful about the people within the lifestyle. Granted not everyone is like that, but a good majority of them are.

And we haven’t even gotten to talking about sex and self-image yet!  I mean honestly, if you’re like me and are large, you don’t want people looking at you, so sexually I’m thinking….the darker the room the better…right? And let’s face it….no Dom is going to allow that! But as I haven’t even gotten that far in this jump of mine to the lifestyle…..I really can’t even talk about that! I did read something somewhere that said that women with a poor self-image will have difficulties relaxing enough to even have an orgasm – I am assuming that this is with a Dom or sexual partner, cause I have no problem on my own! Ha!

So one of the ways that I’ve learned to kinda combat this bad self-image during a party, so that I’m not so self-conscious, is to wear a blindfold. This helps me to relax and to not pay attention to other people and other scenes going on around me. It helps me to concentrate on the Dom and what he is doing as well, cause we all know what can happen to a sub who isn’t paying attention, she gets spanked! Ha! There have been several times when I haven’t needed to wear the blindfold and that was very good for me, I’m learning.

 I’m learning that it’s easier and easier to strip down when the Dom says it’s my time. I’m learning to try to be comfortable in my own skin. It is a daily process. And like I said, some days are better than others.