How I got into the lifestyle

Have you ever wondered how people ‘get’ into the lifestyle? I mean some people will tell you that they’ve had these thoughts and urges since like high school or something. Not that I’m saying they didn’t, but did you really know what you wanted in high school? Sex wise I had absolutely no freaking clue! I remained a virgin until I was 18 years old and out on my own. The first few guys I was with….let’s just say that they left something to be desired! Okay, make that all of the guys that I’ve ever been with….all five of them…yup…that’s such a large number! 

Anyway, honestly making a decision to join this kind of lifestyle at a young age is neither here nor there. I honestly had no real idea about it until a few years ago, and I’m no spring chicken! I started reading books by some really good authors and I’d recommend them to anyone. Yes, there was a lot of sex in these books, but that wasn’t what drew me into things. It was the control that the subs have. Yes, I said the control that the subs have, cause let’s face it, they do have the control. They have the control and they give up that control to their Dom/Domme/Top. That is what intrigued me. I am a major control freak! I like to have things a certain way and that’s it. If I’ve made plans and then someone wants me to do something on the spur of the moment…expect a fight! I just can’t do it. I am a major Type A personality! That and I’m a mom….that spells control right there!! So the idea, the very simple thought of giving up that control, even for only a small amount of time, isn’t that something we’d all like to do? 

So I took a gamble and jumped into FetLife and into a local group. Let me remind you, that what you read in books….hello! It’s a book! As much as the authors make it as close to real life as possible, each and every single group is going to be different. I didn’t understand that and I certainly wasn’t prepared for Dom’s to be on my case right away. And it wasn’t only the Dom’s, it was other subs as well. It was like they expected me to know what I wanted and how to go about getting it, all without knowing what I was doing. I expected to be treated with respect and to be ‘coached’ along the way, not put down. 

The first few weeks were very rocky to say the least and I was seriously doubting my decision and was I really doing the right thing or not. Then I decided to go to my first munch. OMG! I thought I was going to be sick the entire drive there and I was scared to get out of my car and the restaurant. Had to remind myself that these were just people! Thank goodness I was able to call on a friend on the drive over, she helped to calm me down. Then I walked in and started the next phase in my life. They were all very nice. The teasing that went on at the table through lunch was actually very refreshing. They were just being themselves and not putting on a show for me. I managed to make it through the lunch and was invited to the party. I thought YAY! Fantastic! On the drive to the party site I called another friend to let her know I was doing okay. I was making it and I was okay. 

I’m not going to tell you what happened at the party cause that’s private. I can tell you that I had my eyes opened. It was really not what I’d read at all! I did learn that I wanted to try more….and I did….at each consecutive party! 

To sum it all up….I have to thank the authors of BDSM and erotica for getting me interested in this lifestyle. And I have to thank my friends who have stood by me through thick and thin on my journey thus far!

My Insecurities

One of the things that I’m very insecure on is my body. It sounds so simple, but it’s not. I really hate that in today’s society that people are judged on how they look and not who they are. One good thing about the BDSM community, they are far more tolerant of different body types than the average person. Members in the community are far more interested in YOU. Once again, easier said than done. People are far more accepting of me than I am of myself. Yes, there are days when I look in the mirror and think and say to myself, you look wonderful – go out and have a fantastic day. Other days I can’t even stand to look in the mirror any longer than it takes to get my hair dried! It’s not that I find my body as wrong, just over weight. Yes I know that there are men out there who enjoy a large woman and maybe if I had one of those then I wouldn’t think that I look so bad. And honestly, if you’ve been put down about your looks for literally years, it’s very difficult to drag yourself up out of the hole that you’ve put yourself in, difficult at best.  

I have an extremely difficult time accepting compliments. I know that they are made with the best intentions, but it’s hard to see me as others see me.  

Sometimes I kind of pity the Dom who finds me and wants me for himself, he’s going to have to get passed my walls and to the real me and that is not going to be easy to do. A challenge for both of us! :)

Why I write a journal/blog

I write because it helps me think about what I want in being a submissive and in my life. I find it a huge stress reliever in many respects. Being able to write about my day, my issues, the things that piss me off. There are some things in the lifestyle that I’ve come across that make it difficult to communicate with a group or an individual and being able to write about it, to get those thoughts and feelings out there, it helps. I know that I’m not the only one out there going through these growing pains and I realize that others may feel the same way but have difficulty putting it into words. So if my writing in any way shape or form helps another submissive in their journey, I’m happy about that. 

My journal is mine, simply put! I write for me, about me and that’s all there is to it. It’s not meant to upset anyone or anything. If you’re taking it personally, then that’s on you. I’ve never been really good at verbally speaking about my thoughts and feelings, so this is a wonderful outlet for me. I’m able to say things that I wouldn’t normally say because I don’t feel the pressure of having to be perfect in how I’m saying it, as if I were trying to explain in person. Make sense? Hope so!

Some crazy things that I have learned since joining the BDSM Community

Do not call anyone Master or Mistress unless they ask me to, even if I’m not theirs. This is simply a term of respect. Sir is more often used. And depending upon where you live and how strict your community is, you might be able to get away with calling them by their first name. The whole first name thing is good and bad. Good because you have something to call them, bad because sometimes you might forget and think that they are your friend when in fact they are a Dom/Domme and still deserve that respect. Sometimes the lines get blurred and it gets pretty confusing! 

You need to know what it is that you want or don’t want and if you’re not sure, don’t go jumping into a relationship or training with a Dom/Domme. And don’t go thinking that just because you’re ‘friends’ with a Dom/Domme that they are going training you and that one day you might belong to them. Yes, that may happen, but you need to be prepared for it not to happen because nothing in this life is certain. Do not cause drama within your group/club/dungeon. If you belong to a large group it’s not so bad trying to keep the drama to a minimum. However if you belong to a small group, due to geographic location, I personally think that gossiping and drama are going to happen. Yes you can still try to keep it to a minimum, but you’re all going to be talking to each other and know what’s going on with everyone in the group. Speculation as to why one person or another isn’t at a party and what is going on with a Dom/Domme and his/her sub. Let’s face it, it’s going to happen! One thing to keep in mind, as a single sub, in looking for a Dom/Domme it is important to find a match in kinks. If you’re not into let’s say needle play, then you certainly don’t want a Dom/Domme who is. If you’re into pain, then you’re going to be looking for a Sadist. Then there are always going to be some Dom’s/Domme’s who think that the whole thing is about sex and others who don’t think that at all. In fact your local group/club/dungeon might even have stipulations on the whole sex thing. Not saying sex is bad or anything, just remember that BDSM isn’t all about the sex, there are many other aspects of the lifestyle!

Be smart when learning to negotiate doing a scene. Let the Dom/Domme/Top know about your hard limits. Everyone has hard limits, some more than others, some less, but everyone has them. Always have a safeword. A lot of places use the Red, Yellow, Green system. Green is good to go, Yellow means slow down and let’s see what’s not working, Red the scene stops. In some places if you use your safeword, like Red, then you’re done for the night. Just remember, the rules are different for each place and you’ll need to make sure that you understand those rules before you begin. 

Although Dom’s/Domme’s are often willing to share their talents with you and tease you, do not assume that they are considering you. If a Dom/Domme shows interest, they will ask to train you and then it is up to you to decide if you think they are a good match or not. If you do decide to go into training, that is kind of like ‘going steady’ in the vanilla world, as if they were your boyfriend or girlfriend. Although every situation is different, most of the time, a Dom, when committed to training someone, will not allow you to play with anyone else without permission. 

After being trained by the Dom/Domme for a period of time, the Dom/Domme might want to put you under consideration. This would be like being engaged in the vanilla world. At this point in time, both of you think that you’re compatible enough to have a serious BDSM relationship. And just like an engagement, all have different wait periods for different reasons, so don’t compare one relationship to another. 

The last step is the collaring or owning. This is a very unique to each pairing. No one is the same and no relationship is either. 

So even though this whole scenario sounds simple, it is anything but simple! You’ll learn to make your way into your local group and see what does and doesn’t work for you. If you’re lucky, if it doesn’t work, there is another group nearby that you can try. And if you’re lucky you’ll be in a group who meets often, has training nights for new people or people wanting to learn something new. The community by in large is very accepting of everyone. We all believe that just because this is my kink doesn’t mean that it is your kink. We all have different things that get us off and that we enjoy.
Have fun and always remember, Safe Sane and Consensual!  

Learning to Communicate

Communication is a key to most things. Learning how to communicate effectively, sometimes is easier said than done. Regardless if we are talking about the lifestyle or talking about real life, it is difficult to maintain a good relationship without effective and successful good communication skills. This means being able to talk through the rough spots….not walking away and not ignoring the problem or the person. Good communication will make your relationship deeper and stronger, will help you to know what your partner wants, and it helps to build that trust and mutual respect. 

Good communication is difficult at best when you people are not willing to cooperate and communicate. Whether we are talking about a D/s relationship or something totally vanilla…if you don’t communicate then where is the trust? How can you make your partner understand if he/she/they won’t talk to you? Or even if we’re just talking about friends here – male and/or female friends. When the communication is lacking it is difficult to maintain that relationship. 

But it isn’t just you talking to this person in your relationship…you have to be willing to listen to them too. Don’t interrupt and don’t judge…just listen. Look at them when they’re talking. Give them feedback; let them know that you were paying attention to what they were saying, that you value what they were saying. Don’t let your emotions get in the way. If things start getting rough. Back off for a few minutes, get yourself under control and then get back to the conversation.

Much easier said than done, I know!