What I really want.....

Wow! Can’t believe that it’s been over a month since I last posted! Been pretty busy and busy keeping busy! 

Some things have changed in my local community/group and even in the other semi-local group, I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing in the coming months. If/when I get back into the scene, it’s going to be different than when I left and I’m not sure what is going to be there for me, if I’m still going to be able to get what I need out of a scene….that’s a heart wrenching prospect for me. 

Thanksgiving was good, spent time with the family, that’s always fun. But it also made me reflect on someone who is not having an easy time of it right now and that made me sad. I wanted to be able to be there for that person, but I’m not being given that opportunity (their choice).  And now we’ve got Christmas coming up….all I want to do is help….and it doesn’t seem like that is possible. 

Have you ever been in a situation where someone reaches out to you, needs you and your friendship, but can’t/won’t tell you what is going on? It’s very difficult. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot. I like to help people, I like to feel needed….I want to help more but it just doesn’t seem like it’s possible right now. <sigh>

Have been saddened by the loss of a wonderful human being, Paul Walker. Such a wonderful man who was so much more than his movies! Watched Fast & Furious 6 last night, the first few minutes and opening credits had me bawling. That actually helped, as I was in such bummed mood yesterday I needed something. 

I’m still really missing my monthly sessions. Not only do I miss my friends, but I miss the entire D/s frame of mind that it put me in. I’ve thought about it a lot over the months and realize that although I feel that I love my own personal space, I love my life the way it is, I want to have that D/s connection with that D type as well. I’m not talking a 24/7 type relationship – I honestly don’t think I could handle that – and especially not a TPE 24/7 relationship – is killing your D type illegal??! J But I do want that D/s relationship. I honestly think that the part of me that likes to help and be needed would be satisfied with something like this. The part of me that wants to be loved and cherished would enjoy the D type relationship. It’s so difficult to find though. The right D type for me has to be out there somewhere! I thought I might have found him but then the things happened over the summer. Once again I’m brought back to the whole patience is a virtue thing….I don’t like being patient and I’m not very good at it! 

I’m really hoping that with the New Year new things will be coming and that things might work out for me this time. Just because they haven’t before, doesn’t mean that they won’t this time, right? Power of Positive Thinking!

My V8 Moment

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.” (random quote I found - don't know who said it)

Have you ever sat there and recognized yourself in those V8 commercials? Not that you’re drinking V8, but that you hit yourself on the head? Yeah, that would have been me this weekend! <snort>

I’ve had all kinds of feelings over the last few months. Mad at my situation. Mad at the ones who ‘helped’ get me into this situation. Mad at the DM and Dom who decided on my punishment. Then I was mad because it seemed like everyone was against me. Hurt because it appeared that no one wanted to talk to me. Sad because I really wanted/needed to go to the parties and couldn’t.

Not once during all of that did I ever once think about how other people might be feeling. I didn’t think of how hard it must have been for the DM and the Dom to punish me like this, knowing how much they like/care for me. How the group as a whole must feel. Knowing that something happened, wanting to know yet unsure because what if they did the same thing and they get into trouble too??

I sat there and thought, wow….really? It just never occurred to me that others might be hurting over this situation as well.

I’ve been hurt so many times in the past that it’s hard to let people in. It’s difficult to let them see the real me. I tend to stay locked away from people so that I don’t get hurt. Then I joined this group, became active in the lifestyle and opened myself up. I’m not used to seeing how my actions can hurt other people and how that trust is now shaky and needs to be rebuilt.

I’m so very thankful that I have a friend who is willing to set his Dom self aside to help me see what I couldn’t see before. I’m thankful that I listened to my gut and contacted him just to say ‘hello’ and then got invited over for coffee (which I drank and I HATE coffee!). I was able to come away from this talk feeling so much better about myself, my situation and everyone, the entire group that is involved.

I’m going to take his suggestions to heart and think positively and whether it’s next month or not, I will get to go back and play again!

Saturday just sucks! :(

Sitting here and I almost feel like crying. It’s almost 6:00pm. All the subs would be changed and ready to party. Everyone would be gathered. The music would be on and you could almost feel the tension in the air. The expectancy of the night to come. I want to hate this Saturday. I want to hate that my friends are having fun. But I can’t deny them their pleasure. My salvation is in remembering the past parties and how good I felt. Remembering the last party that I went to and how I was just this side of subspace. How wonderful I felt. I was able to take so much more at that party than I had at any of the previous parties, which only makes sense. It’s those feelings that help me get through the Saturdays that are party days, the days that I miss and would give just about anything to be with them.

Missing the bite

Life has been super busy lately, which is a blessing in itself, not allowing me to dwell overmuch on the things that are bothering me. 

I still have all of those thoughts running around in my head, especially this month and this time of the month. A lot of my friends are getting ready for the munch and party this weekend and I’m still not able to go. That makes it difficult for me. 

There has been so much going on, not so much stress, but just Stuff, that being able to go to a party and just ‘let go’ would be a wonderful release for me. Being able to feel the thud and the sting of the flogger, the sting of the single tail, the bite of the dragon tail, that is all something that I really need right now. 

I dream about it because I want it so much! 

I’m worried that by the time I get back into the scene that I’m going to have to start my pain tolerance levels all back at ground zero again. I’m worried that the Dom that I was working with and working so well with won’t want to work with me again. I’m worried about how I’ll be received back into the group after being gone for so long. 

I’m trying to keep in touch with people. Trying to stay up to date with what is going on in the group, but it is difficult, knowing that I can’t join them.

So come this Saturday I will be trying to keep busy, trying not to look at the clock, knowing that at this ‘x’ time that  this ‘x’ thing is happening. 

I will sit there and wish that I was the one who was restrained, that I was the one with the cuffs on and the blindfold on, that I was the one being whipped and flogged and spanked. That I could feel that bite of pain. That I could release that control. 

Ugh….Saturday is just going to suck, once again!

A Year of Change

What a year for changes! At the end of this month it’ll have been a year since I decided to take a leap of faith and joined Fetlife and the lifestyle. I’ve learned a lot in this past year. I’ve had some fantastic days, some not so good days, and some days I had to wonder what the heck I was doing. But it’s all made a huge difference in my life. The things that I’ve learned, not only about the lifestyle, but about me…..I never would have believed it back then! Me, a control freak, who can get pissed off when things don’t go my way, has learned how to slow down and ….. Oh yeah….breathe!!!  Actually, that was probably one of the very first things that I learned…… how to control my breathing and use it as a relaxing technique. 

I learned that just because someone has a kink doesn’t mean that it’s my kink and doesn’t mean that I have to like it nor approve of it. But it is their kink and needs to be respected just the same. 

I learned that I can get naked in front of a group of people that don’t care if I’m a thick woman. They care about the me on the inside and the me in my head, not the me the rest of the world sees as a short fat woman. 

I’ve learned that there is a huge difference between a thud and a sting…..and thuddy works much better for me! I’ve learned that even though I’ve never ever had a massage, that a simple flogging (if you can call it simple) has the desired effect on me that a massage would. I do enjoy the stingy as well, as if I usually have a choice! There are certain floggers and whips that I’ve come to love! And certain paddles that I will always run away from (if not restrained!). 

I’ve learned that I can let go of the control that I insist that I maintain in my life, even if it is only for a few hours a month. The results of this allow me to be me and allow me to relax and …….you guessed it….breathe! 

So many positive changes from one tiny step, all in just a year. I certainly hope that the next year is just as wonderful!