My V8 Moment

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.” (random quote I found - don't know who said it)

Have you ever sat there and recognized yourself in those V8 commercials? Not that you’re drinking V8, but that you hit yourself on the head? Yeah, that would have been me this weekend! <snort>

I’ve had all kinds of feelings over the last few months. Mad at my situation. Mad at the ones who ‘helped’ get me into this situation. Mad at the DM and Dom who decided on my punishment. Then I was mad because it seemed like everyone was against me. Hurt because it appeared that no one wanted to talk to me. Sad because I really wanted/needed to go to the parties and couldn’t.

Not once during all of that did I ever once think about how other people might be feeling. I didn’t think of how hard it must have been for the DM and the Dom to punish me like this, knowing how much they like/care for me. How the group as a whole must feel. Knowing that something happened, wanting to know yet unsure because what if they did the same thing and they get into trouble too??

I sat there and thought, wow….really? It just never occurred to me that others might be hurting over this situation as well.

I’ve been hurt so many times in the past that it’s hard to let people in. It’s difficult to let them see the real me. I tend to stay locked away from people so that I don’t get hurt. Then I joined this group, became active in the lifestyle and opened myself up. I’m not used to seeing how my actions can hurt other people and how that trust is now shaky and needs to be rebuilt.

I’m so very thankful that I have a friend who is willing to set his Dom self aside to help me see what I couldn’t see before. I’m thankful that I listened to my gut and contacted him just to say ‘hello’ and then got invited over for coffee (which I drank and I HATE coffee!). I was able to come away from this talk feeling so much better about myself, my situation and everyone, the entire group that is involved.

I’m going to take his suggestions to heart and think positively and whether it’s next month or not, I will get to go back and play again!