The Other Species.....Men!

I don’t understand men! Men in general are difficult to understand… you should try to understand a Dom! Ugh!  I find it difficult to talk to men (outside of work and a few friends) and Dom’s especially. Sometimes I feel like they think I should know exactly what I’m doing and should understand the ins and outs of everything. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself because I feel that if I say what I want to say, it’ll be the wrong thing. Lordy do I get confused!

I feel like I’m out in left field, all alone and no support! It is times like this that I wish I had a mentor! A mentor is supposed to be someone who helps you through the ups and downs in the lifestyle. A lot of newer subs in a group find a mentor who is interested in the things that they are interested in. Well in my case, there are plenty of more experienced subs who would be able to help, but when I mentioned a mentor….I just got that ‘look.’ It would be nice to have one though, because I believe I really need one, then I don’t think I’d make little mistakes or be so worried about things.  I made one mistake. I apologized for it. I get it, I completely understand that I made a mistake, something I’m not likely to do again. I’m not blaming anyone at all for that, I did it and I owned up to it, end of story.

The gist of it is I’m out of action for a few months.  I miss being a part of that community where I let ME out and let ME relax and let someone else take over. I had come to really depend on the parties to be able to let go, to give up that tight control over everything that I have, and now I can’t do that. I miss being strung up. I miss the floggers and yeah, I really miss the dragon tail. I really miss the feeling that I had afterwards…the feeling of peace and contentment….. 

So yup, I’m feeling a bit down, the next get-together is coming up and seeing all of my friends are going and everyone is going to have a good time, it’s difficult for me. I’ve been having to make sure that on the day of a party I have to keep myself super busy because then I get to thinking too much and it hurts, and not the kind of hurt that I want!

Protocol & Playing

First let me start out by saying that it is perfectly okay to go to a party and not play. It’s okay to simply go and watch the different scenes and learn things without playing. If you are asked if you want to play, a simple ‘no’ will do the trick. If they follow you around, ask you repeatedly to play or make you uncomfortable, let the host or the DM know right away. 

Okay, on with the show! Deciding to go to a munch or a party can leave you terrified, excited and maybe even apprehensive. Trust me, even after a few parties, I still get those feelings each and every single time. It is a big decision and you may not know what to expect. Let me remind you, what you read about in books isn’t necessarily what you’re going to be seeing at the party. You’re going to question your decision to go, you’re going to question the people at the party, question the scenes. If at all possible, take a friend with you, at least you can be shocked together! 

So, before you go, make sure you know the rules. Hopefully there is a set of written rules for the club or dungeon where the party is to take place. If not, make sure that the host or the DM informs you of all of the rules. 

You need to prepare yourself for what you’re going to see. All clubs and dungeons are different, but they all have some of the same basic equipment; a cage or two, maybe some racks, definitely a St. Andrews Cross or two, spanking benches, maybe swings and stocks, a suspension bar. The Dom’s will usually bring their own toy bags filled with all kinds of lovely things! They will usually bring their own rope, restraints, floggers, whips, canes and anything else that suits their fancy. 

Are you scared yet?! Don’t be. People in the lifestyle are some of the nicest people that I’ve met and are so accepting of everyone else!

One thing to keep in mind, be friendly. A party can be intimidating for lots of people, especially shy people, but if you put yourself out there and are accepting, you’ll have a wonderful positive experience and come away with a great impression of the party and the people. If you’re not playing because you’re new, see if you can hang out with another member, have them explain the layout of the club and the scenes to you. Ask questions if you don’t understand what is going on. Kinksters are very easy people to talk to and they’re more than willing to educate you on what is going on. Don’t look down on people who are playing and doing something that you have no interest in. Your kink is your kink and their kink is theirs, that doesn’t mean that you have to like or agree with it, just respect it. 

Totally confused? Don’t worry, it does get easier the more you’re out there and the longer you’re in the lifestyle. In the title I mention Protocol. I don’t want this to be confused with a ‘high protocol’ D/s relationship. Sorry….I’m not going to be on my knees for every blasted thing, my poor knees can’t take that. By Protocol I mean the correct conduct, rules and acceptable behavior at munches and parties. Think of it as like Etiquette (yes…that old-fashioned word!) which would be the requirements of social behavior, the customs at such social groups or gatherings. Basically I’m talking about the behavior at the munches/parties. A lot of this should once again be in the rules that you should have received prior to going to a party. 

Okay, on to some very important things! 

1.      Ask questions! You’ll find that most Kinksters are very open about things and willing to share their knowledge. Watching scenes is one thing, understanding it is another. Ask lots of questions and you’ll get lots of answers!

2.      Don’t play if you haven’t eaten a little bit! I find that eating a small snack and having some water is best. I won’t actually eat until after I’ve played.

3.      Don’t interrupt a scene! If it’s you’re first party, if you have questions, wait until after the scene and the Dom has taken care of his/her sub. Make sure that you stay far enough away from the scene so that you’re not in the way. In some clubs/dungeons you can get fairly close to the scene area. Just be careful to maintain a respectful distance. Keep your hands to yourself. You don’t want to be interrupting a scene, going in and ‘inviting’ yourself in and trying to help out. Unless you’re invited into the scene, don’t touch anyone in the scene!

4.      Use your safeword! Most clubs use the green, yellow, red system. Some places if you call red, you’re done not only with that scene, but you’re done for the night. Each and every single place is different.

5.      Each club/dungeon is different. Although getting naked is kind of a must for some scenes, penetration may or may not be allowed. Once again, this is going to be in the rules that you should have already read and agreed to.

6.      Some places are more formal than others. Some places you will be able to refer to a Dom/Domme by their first name, others you won’t and will be calling them Sir or Ma’am or something along those lines.

7.      Dress codes. There are dress codes for munches and dress codes for parties. Because munches are generally held in public, you’re expected to dress accordingly and not wear any fetishwear. Parties are a completely different story! Some places have theme nights and everyone follows the theme….okay, mainly the subs. Those lucky Dom’s get to wear pretty much whatever they want to wear!

8.      One of the most important things to remember…..Have fun!

One important thing that needs to be mentioned in this day and age of technology….cell phones. We all know that we have a life outside of the lifestyle. Some have children that may call during a party, a babysitter that may call during a party, or you may get a text from a friend that couldn’t make to the party. 

The use of cell phones should be governed by the party rules. I say should but like I’ve said, each and every single club/dungeon is different. 

Pictures taken at parties is usually strictly forbidden. However I know that those with camera’s on their phones have taken pics at parties before and posted with approval on places like Fetlife. The host or the DM needs to make sure that the rules are completely understood. 

You’re there to play and that should take precedence unless there is an emergency and you need to be on your phone. 

The biggest problems, to my way of thinking are the ‘unwritten’ rules. If you’re told one thing and that x, y, and z shouldn’t happen and yet you see that rule broken left and right, you need to bring that to the host or DM’s attention. It’s not that you’re trying to get anyone in trouble, more along the lines of questioning what is right and what is wrong. The ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ rule pretty much applies to all parties. 

I truly hope that you’re experience and foray into the clubs/dungeons of kinksters is a fun and enjoyable experience!

Body Image - It's not just me!

It's not just me!

Check this out!

Self-Image, the good, the bad, & the ugly!

One of the things that most (yes I’m generalizing) of us women face is a poor self-image. This is not to be confused with things like being self-conscious or being self-aware. This is how we as women see ourselves, how others see us and how we see ourselves based on how others see us. Sounds confusing? 

A lot of women have a poor self-image of themselves. Maybe they were teased as a child. Children can be so mean! And then that carried over into adulthood. And believe it or not, a poor self-image can also come from a different personality type. Type A people (yup…that would be me) tend to have negative self-image (again, yup that would be me). We tend to set the standard so high, for so many things, and our image is one of those. 

Women who are victims of abuse and manipulation also tend to have a poor self-image (again this would be me). I’ve learned a new word, Victimisation. This is when victims of abuse and manipulation get trapped into a self-image. Ugh…I’m seeing a pattern here! These ‘victims’ still maintain a sense of ‘helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression.  I put ‘victims’ in quotes cause I don’t see myself as a victim because of my past. I see myself as a survivor.  Okay, moving on.

I once read a book where the sub had such a poor self-image that the Dom required her to study herself in the mirror at least once a day and report back to him as to what she called her deficiencies. The Dom would then take her and show her the positives that she couldn’t see. Throughout the book you could see her awareness of herself changing and her thoughts about her self-image changing.

I do have a hard time with my looks. Some days are good, others are not. 

Yes, it all stems from childhood and being teased. “____, ____ two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door!” It’s crappy that 20+ years later I can still remember my cousins teasing me about this. And yet when I look back at my pictures, I was not large, at least not by today’s standards. I was heavily into sports and then I joined the military right out of high school. And if you know anything about the military, any of the branches, you’ll understand that boot camp is not a piece of cake, it is not a walk in the park, it was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done.  So here I was thinking I had a smoking hot bod and then I got married to a not so nice guy (not going into that!). Came out of that at one of the lowest points in my life. I have been steadily trying to get back to where I was mentally, if not physically, ever since then. 

Needless to say, that I don’t know when or if I will ever think of my body in a really good light ever again. But here is where the lifestyle does a tremendous favor to a lot of large women…..people in the lifestyle just don’t care!!!  Some of the first contact I had with Dom’s in the lifestyle, I made sure to mention that I’m not a small woman by any means. I’ve been told countless times that that doesn’t matter. That size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. It’s what a Dom is looking for in a sub that counts, not what she looks like on the outside. Outer wrappings are nice, but they’re looking for what’s in the heart, mind and soul of their sub. And honestly, that is something that I find so wonderful about the people within the lifestyle. Granted not everyone is like that, but a good majority of them are.

And we haven’t even gotten to talking about sex and self-image yet!  I mean honestly, if you’re like me and are large, you don’t want people looking at you, so sexually I’m thinking….the darker the room the better…right? And let’s face it….no Dom is going to allow that! But as I haven’t even gotten that far in this jump of mine to the lifestyle…..I really can’t even talk about that! I did read something somewhere that said that women with a poor self-image will have difficulties relaxing enough to even have an orgasm – I am assuming that this is with a Dom or sexual partner, cause I have no problem on my own! Ha!

So one of the ways that I’ve learned to kinda combat this bad self-image during a party, so that I’m not so self-conscious, is to wear a blindfold. This helps me to relax and to not pay attention to other people and other scenes going on around me. It helps me to concentrate on the Dom and what he is doing as well, cause we all know what can happen to a sub who isn’t paying attention, she gets spanked! Ha! There have been several times when I haven’t needed to wear the blindfold and that was very good for me, I’m learning.

 I’m learning that it’s easier and easier to strip down when the Dom says it’s my time. I’m learning to try to be comfortable in my own skin. It is a daily process. And like I said, some days are better than others.

Punishment

I love to do research....and this was a topic lately that has come up.

According to everything that I’ve read, books and on the net, punishment is in terms of spanking. In other words, ‘If you don’t do ______, then I will spank you.’ Ah…but this only works if the sub doesn’t enjoy being spanked! 

Punishment should be geared towards the infraction, the punishment should fit the crime. If it is a minor infraction, then the punishment should be minor. Punishment should be administered as closely as possible to the time of when the crime or the infraction occurred. This way the sub will be properly disciplined and will also respect her Dom. Punishment should never cause injury. It should also never involve a hard limit. Everything I’ve read also says that before punishment, the Dom should explain why the sub is getting punished, and you thought your lectures were done with when you were done with school! Ha!

Is punishment really necessary at all? Some of the things that I’ve read on the net say yes and some say no, especially in regards to the training of a new sub. There is no hard and fast rule that says that subs need to be punished. Every relationship is different and a Dom should know his sub well enough to know if she needs to be punished or not. Different strokes for different folks!

Not only do you have physical punishments but Doms have that lovely little thing that they do….mental punishments as well! I mean there is always a ‘mental’ part of any punishment. I think that sometimes a sub can be way harder on herself than any Dom. Sometimes just hearing a Dom’s displeasure is more than enough to curb a wayward sub.

Spanking is a wonderful punishment. This is assuming of course that the sub doesn’t enjoy being spanked. If a sub dislikes the paddle, the can or a particular flogger, then that is more than likely what would be used as the implement of punishment.

For more serious infractions, a more serious or severe punishment might be needed. This is of course for an experience sub, not a newbie and not one in training. This might be combining things like the use of a cane and a ball gag (I’ve heard those can be really messy….slobber much!).

I’ve also read that hair pulling is a way to get the point across. I’m not too sure how this works when to me the pulling of my hair, yes it gets my attention, but to date has only been used to help me release control. 

I’ve also read that some Dom’s use the age-old punishment of washing the mouth out with soap for mouthy subs.  I mean it worked for us as kids, not sure about this being used on an adult. And honestly, is this even still used with children?!

Apparently Sensory Deprivation is also a good punishment. Being tied up and left alone, blindfolded. I guess if left that way, alone for a time, is a good punishment for some subs. 

To my way of thinking, I think/believe that communication is very much in need throughout the whole punishment session. Not only does the Dom need to explain why the sub is being punished, the sub needs to understand and say that she understands why the punishment is happening.
 
I read an article on the net concerning Mental Punishments. And that the true aim of all punishment is for the Dom to imprint his displeasure on the sub’s mind so that she will not repeat the offense. So in that respect, all punishment has a mental aspect to it.

Some would say that the most important part of any punishment is the mental aspect of the punishment. As I stated before, punishment should be preceded by a lecture, a conversation, explaining what the sub did to displease the Dom. The sub should be given the chance to explain what happened, why it happened and why she thinks the punishment is unwarranted. The Dom should keep an open mind and listen to what she has to say. It may change the aspect of the punishment. The Dom might have been mistaken or misinterpreted the infraction. The lecture/conversation is a vital part to disciplining a sub. It should be as important as the penalty itself. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll understand how much I value communication.

In some D/s relationships, the lecture is a punishment itself and is all that is needed to rectify the behavior of the sub. The object is to train the sub. The Dom should not always need to use physical punishment unless necessary. Punishment may even be something as simple as having the sub write out what she did wrong and that she won’t do it again.

Then there is the punishment that parents use on their kids today, take away something that they absolutely love. I would simply die if someone took away my nook! If I were to be punished, I’d hope for something different! Course I’m an unattached sub so my case is completely different.

To summarize things up, punishments should never use a hard limit. They should never cause injury. The punishment should fit the crime. It should be swift and once done it’s over and done with. And finally, after punishment, there should be aftercare. Punishment can be difficult for a sub, physically and emotionally. Aftercare is necessary just like it would be applied after a scene.

Read something else the other night! She wasn’t really a sub, but he was dominant. There were also two other guys. I’m not going to get into the relationship(s) cause it’s very confusing. However, she was punished simply because she felt that they were ashamed of her and that they didn’t want to be seen with her out in public. She got all kinds of pissed off when the more Dom male tried to explain. She gave him a dressing down, in public, flipped him the bird and took off. Needless to say when she finally came back to the room, she was in major trouble. She was punished for thinking less of herself than what they thought of her! This I think is a prime thing that subs like me get into trouble for. Thinking less of themselves, second guessing themselves, not believing in themselves.  Yes, she did get into trouble for yelling at him in public, got whipped with a frayed rope, which she kind of enjoyed! My point is, a sub doesn’t necessarily have to do something really wrong to get punished, and not all punishment is bad.