Protocol & Playing

First let me start out by saying that it is perfectly okay to go to a party and not play. It’s okay to simply go and watch the different scenes and learn things without playing. If you are asked if you want to play, a simple ‘no’ will do the trick. If they follow you around, ask you repeatedly to play or make you uncomfortable, let the host or the DM know right away. 

Okay, on with the show! Deciding to go to a munch or a party can leave you terrified, excited and maybe even apprehensive. Trust me, even after a few parties, I still get those feelings each and every single time. It is a big decision and you may not know what to expect. Let me remind you, what you read about in books isn’t necessarily what you’re going to be seeing at the party. You’re going to question your decision to go, you’re going to question the people at the party, question the scenes. If at all possible, take a friend with you, at least you can be shocked together! 

So, before you go, make sure you know the rules. Hopefully there is a set of written rules for the club or dungeon where the party is to take place. If not, make sure that the host or the DM informs you of all of the rules. 

You need to prepare yourself for what you’re going to see. All clubs and dungeons are different, but they all have some of the same basic equipment; a cage or two, maybe some racks, definitely a St. Andrews Cross or two, spanking benches, maybe swings and stocks, a suspension bar. The Dom’s will usually bring their own toy bags filled with all kinds of lovely things! They will usually bring their own rope, restraints, floggers, whips, canes and anything else that suits their fancy. 

Are you scared yet?! Don’t be. People in the lifestyle are some of the nicest people that I’ve met and are so accepting of everyone else!

One thing to keep in mind, be friendly. A party can be intimidating for lots of people, especially shy people, but if you put yourself out there and are accepting, you’ll have a wonderful positive experience and come away with a great impression of the party and the people. If you’re not playing because you’re new, see if you can hang out with another member, have them explain the layout of the club and the scenes to you. Ask questions if you don’t understand what is going on. Kinksters are very easy people to talk to and they’re more than willing to educate you on what is going on. Don’t look down on people who are playing and doing something that you have no interest in. Your kink is your kink and their kink is theirs, that doesn’t mean that you have to like or agree with it, just respect it. 

Totally confused? Don’t worry, it does get easier the more you’re out there and the longer you’re in the lifestyle. In the title I mention Protocol. I don’t want this to be confused with a ‘high protocol’ D/s relationship. Sorry….I’m not going to be on my knees for every blasted thing, my poor knees can’t take that. By Protocol I mean the correct conduct, rules and acceptable behavior at munches and parties. Think of it as like Etiquette (yes…that old-fashioned word!) which would be the requirements of social behavior, the customs at such social groups or gatherings. Basically I’m talking about the behavior at the munches/parties. A lot of this should once again be in the rules that you should have received prior to going to a party. 

Okay, on to some very important things! 

1.      Ask questions! You’ll find that most Kinksters are very open about things and willing to share their knowledge. Watching scenes is one thing, understanding it is another. Ask lots of questions and you’ll get lots of answers!

2.      Don’t play if you haven’t eaten a little bit! I find that eating a small snack and having some water is best. I won’t actually eat until after I’ve played.

3.      Don’t interrupt a scene! If it’s you’re first party, if you have questions, wait until after the scene and the Dom has taken care of his/her sub. Make sure that you stay far enough away from the scene so that you’re not in the way. In some clubs/dungeons you can get fairly close to the scene area. Just be careful to maintain a respectful distance. Keep your hands to yourself. You don’t want to be interrupting a scene, going in and ‘inviting’ yourself in and trying to help out. Unless you’re invited into the scene, don’t touch anyone in the scene!

4.      Use your safeword! Most clubs use the green, yellow, red system. Some places if you call red, you’re done not only with that scene, but you’re done for the night. Each and every single place is different.

5.      Each club/dungeon is different. Although getting naked is kind of a must for some scenes, penetration may or may not be allowed. Once again, this is going to be in the rules that you should have already read and agreed to.

6.      Some places are more formal than others. Some places you will be able to refer to a Dom/Domme by their first name, others you won’t and will be calling them Sir or Ma’am or something along those lines.

7.      Dress codes. There are dress codes for munches and dress codes for parties. Because munches are generally held in public, you’re expected to dress accordingly and not wear any fetishwear. Parties are a completely different story! Some places have theme nights and everyone follows the theme….okay, mainly the subs. Those lucky Dom’s get to wear pretty much whatever they want to wear!

8.      One of the most important things to remember…..Have fun!

One important thing that needs to be mentioned in this day and age of technology….cell phones. We all know that we have a life outside of the lifestyle. Some have children that may call during a party, a babysitter that may call during a party, or you may get a text from a friend that couldn’t make to the party. 

The use of cell phones should be governed by the party rules. I say should but like I’ve said, each and every single club/dungeon is different. 

Pictures taken at parties is usually strictly forbidden. However I know that those with camera’s on their phones have taken pics at parties before and posted with approval on places like Fetlife. The host or the DM needs to make sure that the rules are completely understood. 

You’re there to play and that should take precedence unless there is an emergency and you need to be on your phone. 

The biggest problems, to my way of thinking are the ‘unwritten’ rules. If you’re told one thing and that x, y, and z shouldn’t happen and yet you see that rule broken left and right, you need to bring that to the host or DM’s attention. It’s not that you’re trying to get anyone in trouble, more along the lines of questioning what is right and what is wrong. The ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ rule pretty much applies to all parties. 

I truly hope that you’re experience and foray into the clubs/dungeons of kinksters is a fun and enjoyable experience!

Body Image - It's not just me!

It's not just me!

Check this out!

Self-Image, the good, the bad, & the ugly!

One of the things that most (yes I’m generalizing) of us women face is a poor self-image. This is not to be confused with things like being self-conscious or being self-aware. This is how we as women see ourselves, how others see us and how we see ourselves based on how others see us. Sounds confusing? 

A lot of women have a poor self-image of themselves. Maybe they were teased as a child. Children can be so mean! And then that carried over into adulthood. And believe it or not, a poor self-image can also come from a different personality type. Type A people (yup…that would be me) tend to have negative self-image (again, yup that would be me). We tend to set the standard so high, for so many things, and our image is one of those. 

Women who are victims of abuse and manipulation also tend to have a poor self-image (again this would be me). I’ve learned a new word, Victimisation. This is when victims of abuse and manipulation get trapped into a self-image. Ugh…I’m seeing a pattern here! These ‘victims’ still maintain a sense of ‘helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression.  I put ‘victims’ in quotes cause I don’t see myself as a victim because of my past. I see myself as a survivor.  Okay, moving on.

I once read a book where the sub had such a poor self-image that the Dom required her to study herself in the mirror at least once a day and report back to him as to what she called her deficiencies. The Dom would then take her and show her the positives that she couldn’t see. Throughout the book you could see her awareness of herself changing and her thoughts about her self-image changing.

I do have a hard time with my looks. Some days are good, others are not. 

Yes, it all stems from childhood and being teased. “____, ____ two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door!” It’s crappy that 20+ years later I can still remember my cousins teasing me about this. And yet when I look back at my pictures, I was not large, at least not by today’s standards. I was heavily into sports and then I joined the military right out of high school. And if you know anything about the military, any of the branches, you’ll understand that boot camp is not a piece of cake, it is not a walk in the park, it was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done.  So here I was thinking I had a smoking hot bod and then I got married to a not so nice guy (not going into that!). Came out of that at one of the lowest points in my life. I have been steadily trying to get back to where I was mentally, if not physically, ever since then. 

Needless to say, that I don’t know when or if I will ever think of my body in a really good light ever again. But here is where the lifestyle does a tremendous favor to a lot of large women…..people in the lifestyle just don’t care!!!  Some of the first contact I had with Dom’s in the lifestyle, I made sure to mention that I’m not a small woman by any means. I’ve been told countless times that that doesn’t matter. That size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. It’s what a Dom is looking for in a sub that counts, not what she looks like on the outside. Outer wrappings are nice, but they’re looking for what’s in the heart, mind and soul of their sub. And honestly, that is something that I find so wonderful about the people within the lifestyle. Granted not everyone is like that, but a good majority of them are.

And we haven’t even gotten to talking about sex and self-image yet!  I mean honestly, if you’re like me and are large, you don’t want people looking at you, so sexually I’m thinking….the darker the room the better…right? And let’s face it….no Dom is going to allow that! But as I haven’t even gotten that far in this jump of mine to the lifestyle…..I really can’t even talk about that! I did read something somewhere that said that women with a poor self-image will have difficulties relaxing enough to even have an orgasm – I am assuming that this is with a Dom or sexual partner, cause I have no problem on my own! Ha!

So one of the ways that I’ve learned to kinda combat this bad self-image during a party, so that I’m not so self-conscious, is to wear a blindfold. This helps me to relax and to not pay attention to other people and other scenes going on around me. It helps me to concentrate on the Dom and what he is doing as well, cause we all know what can happen to a sub who isn’t paying attention, she gets spanked! Ha! There have been several times when I haven’t needed to wear the blindfold and that was very good for me, I’m learning.

 I’m learning that it’s easier and easier to strip down when the Dom says it’s my time. I’m learning to try to be comfortable in my own skin. It is a daily process. And like I said, some days are better than others.

Punishment

I love to do research....and this was a topic lately that has come up.

According to everything that I’ve read, books and on the net, punishment is in terms of spanking. In other words, ‘If you don’t do ______, then I will spank you.’ Ah…but this only works if the sub doesn’t enjoy being spanked! 

Punishment should be geared towards the infraction, the punishment should fit the crime. If it is a minor infraction, then the punishment should be minor. Punishment should be administered as closely as possible to the time of when the crime or the infraction occurred. This way the sub will be properly disciplined and will also respect her Dom. Punishment should never cause injury. It should also never involve a hard limit. Everything I’ve read also says that before punishment, the Dom should explain why the sub is getting punished, and you thought your lectures were done with when you were done with school! Ha!

Is punishment really necessary at all? Some of the things that I’ve read on the net say yes and some say no, especially in regards to the training of a new sub. There is no hard and fast rule that says that subs need to be punished. Every relationship is different and a Dom should know his sub well enough to know if she needs to be punished or not. Different strokes for different folks!

Not only do you have physical punishments but Doms have that lovely little thing that they do….mental punishments as well! I mean there is always a ‘mental’ part of any punishment. I think that sometimes a sub can be way harder on herself than any Dom. Sometimes just hearing a Dom’s displeasure is more than enough to curb a wayward sub.

Spanking is a wonderful punishment. This is assuming of course that the sub doesn’t enjoy being spanked. If a sub dislikes the paddle, the can or a particular flogger, then that is more than likely what would be used as the implement of punishment.

For more serious infractions, a more serious or severe punishment might be needed. This is of course for an experience sub, not a newbie and not one in training. This might be combining things like the use of a cane and a ball gag (I’ve heard those can be really messy….slobber much!).

I’ve also read that hair pulling is a way to get the point across. I’m not too sure how this works when to me the pulling of my hair, yes it gets my attention, but to date has only been used to help me release control. 

I’ve also read that some Dom’s use the age-old punishment of washing the mouth out with soap for mouthy subs.  I mean it worked for us as kids, not sure about this being used on an adult. And honestly, is this even still used with children?!

Apparently Sensory Deprivation is also a good punishment. Being tied up and left alone, blindfolded. I guess if left that way, alone for a time, is a good punishment for some subs. 

To my way of thinking, I think/believe that communication is very much in need throughout the whole punishment session. Not only does the Dom need to explain why the sub is being punished, the sub needs to understand and say that she understands why the punishment is happening.
 
I read an article on the net concerning Mental Punishments. And that the true aim of all punishment is for the Dom to imprint his displeasure on the sub’s mind so that she will not repeat the offense. So in that respect, all punishment has a mental aspect to it.

Some would say that the most important part of any punishment is the mental aspect of the punishment. As I stated before, punishment should be preceded by a lecture, a conversation, explaining what the sub did to displease the Dom. The sub should be given the chance to explain what happened, why it happened and why she thinks the punishment is unwarranted. The Dom should keep an open mind and listen to what she has to say. It may change the aspect of the punishment. The Dom might have been mistaken or misinterpreted the infraction. The lecture/conversation is a vital part to disciplining a sub. It should be as important as the penalty itself. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll understand how much I value communication.

In some D/s relationships, the lecture is a punishment itself and is all that is needed to rectify the behavior of the sub. The object is to train the sub. The Dom should not always need to use physical punishment unless necessary. Punishment may even be something as simple as having the sub write out what she did wrong and that she won’t do it again.

Then there is the punishment that parents use on their kids today, take away something that they absolutely love. I would simply die if someone took away my nook! If I were to be punished, I’d hope for something different! Course I’m an unattached sub so my case is completely different.

To summarize things up, punishments should never use a hard limit. They should never cause injury. The punishment should fit the crime. It should be swift and once done it’s over and done with. And finally, after punishment, there should be aftercare. Punishment can be difficult for a sub, physically and emotionally. Aftercare is necessary just like it would be applied after a scene.

Read something else the other night! She wasn’t really a sub, but he was dominant. There were also two other guys. I’m not going to get into the relationship(s) cause it’s very confusing. However, she was punished simply because she felt that they were ashamed of her and that they didn’t want to be seen with her out in public. She got all kinds of pissed off when the more Dom male tried to explain. She gave him a dressing down, in public, flipped him the bird and took off. Needless to say when she finally came back to the room, she was in major trouble. She was punished for thinking less of herself than what they thought of her! This I think is a prime thing that subs like me get into trouble for. Thinking less of themselves, second guessing themselves, not believing in themselves.  Yes, she did get into trouble for yelling at him in public, got whipped with a frayed rope, which she kind of enjoyed! My point is, a sub doesn’t necessarily have to do something really wrong to get punished, and not all punishment is bad.

Trust and Honesty

Trust and what it means… Trust is something that is often discussed in traditional/vanilla relationships, but it’s even more important when you’re talking about a BDSM relationship. Trust is what BDSM is based on. Without trust, a relationship can quickly fall apart and in a not pretty way, it can be destructive. Regardless of whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, you need to make sure that you are working on trust issues before you ever even step into a club/dungeon/private party. A play area is not where you want to be trying to figure out whether or not you trust someone with your body. 

Trust is not something that is simply given or earned right away. And if you’ve had previous relationships that have ended badly, you might have troubles giving trust to just anyone. This is actually a good thing! You need to make sure that you know the person before you allow them to play with you, to work on you, to Dominate you. As with any relationship, start out slowly, get to know each other outside of the dungeon first. This all goes back to one of my first posts, communication! You see how this is all starting to tie into each other?! A good way to start out is to email or instant message chat and then meet in person. After a few weeks you should be able to tell if you’re a good fit and then you can take it from there! 

Just like any other relationship, trust can be broken in a BDSM relationship. This may be difficult to overcome. You need to discuss the ‘breach’ and then work on ways to avoid this in the future. It’s a difficult thing when both parties feel that the other has broken trust. A possible solution is to set a time period in which the trust will need to be earned back. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it becomes apparent that it won’t work, it’s definitely time to move on, cut your losses and try again.

I don’t care what kind of a relationship you are in, trust is extremely important. However, since bodily harm and mental health are at stake in some BDSM relationships, trust isn’t just something to discuss, it is something that you would hold near and dear to your heart and it’s taken extremely seriously!

Honesty…..is one of the most important things in BDSM. To some, honesty is mostly about not lying, which is true! But honesty also starts with you. You have to be honest towards/with yourself. Probably one of the most frequently asked questions since I joined the lifestyle is: Why? Why did I join? The answer to that is part of being honest with yourself. You have to look at yourself and critically do an inventory of your thoughts and from there you’ll be able to judge in which direction you’re going. Be honest…what exactly do you want. Once you’ve figured out what it is that you want, then you can be honest with you Dom as to those wants. 

If you know where you’re coming from, then you’re on solid ground as to why you want to be in the lifestyle and that will make you more reliable towards people you might want to play with. And as stated above….then comes the trust. See….tying it all together! 

So in part, me doing this blog is an inventory of my thoughts and feelings. Trying to be honest about how I think and how I feel. I’ve had to learn the hard way about expressing how I feel and not being completely honest with the Dom that was working on me. I needed to let him know that I was in a bad place and instead I kept it too myself until things got really bad. It’s not that I didn’t trust him, cause I did. It was more along the lines of I didn’t want to bother him. Yeah, I heard about that from him that night! Bad sub! <grins>

A few good question to keep in mind:

1.      Do I like what I’m doing? Because if I don’t, then why am I doing it?

2.      Why do I want to be in the lifestyle?

3.      Can I handle it?

4.      What are my feelings revolving around at the moment?

5.      Am I being honest with myself

Simple questions but if you’re honest with yourself and with your Dom, it makes things easier and the trust can grow between you. Honesty isn’t easy. It is sometimes difficult and draining, but it is necessary not only in relationships in the lifestyle but in real life as well. You can’t be honest with others if you can’t be honest with yourself. 

Everything that I’ve said is all well and good, but like I said, once trust is broken it’s extremely hard to get back. And even though a lot of the honesty is with yourself and with your Dom, it also extends to other members in your group. You expect them to be honest with you. You expect them to act like grownups and not talk about each other behind your back. So trust isn’t just with your Dom it is with the other members of your group as well. That is an even more daunting thing to overcome once that trust has been broken.

Positive thought for the day!

Pain and the Pleasure it brings

When I first started on this journey I never thought that I’d enjoy some of the things that I now do. If you’d of told me that I love being beat with a flogger….and the harder the better, I’d of told you that you were absolutely nuts! But it’s not just the thud or the sting that I like, soft or hard, it’s the emotions that go along with it. Rather the emotions that I’m able to release and have it be okay. I enjoy some of the other whips as well. I don’t know what all have been used on me cause I’m not paying attention! I do love the dragon tail. It hurts but it’s a good kind of a hurt. 

I’ve learned to take that hurt in and accept it and then release it. It’s not always easy to do and it’s not always easy to get in the right headspace. In fact there have been plenty of times where I’ve been so distracted on what is going on around me that it’s been difficult to let go and to concentrate on the Dom that was working on me. He knows that when I get like that it’s time to bring out the blindfold and that will allow me to let everything else go away.

It’s also amazing how easily you can relax and let go when the Dom has a hold of your hair and pulls your head back. And trust me, this particular Dom never lets go until I ‘let go’ and relax and give my control to him. It is very freeing for me. 

I don’t want anyone to think that this isn’t 100% consensual, because it is. If you don’t know the Dom/Domme/Top that you are working with, then you’re going to be negotiating the scene. I have only had to do that once, it was a rope scene with the Dom that I normally work with and another Dom who is really good with ropes. Beyond that, the Dom I work with knows me and he pushes me more and more every time we work together. I’ve been able to take more and more each time and feel such a release after that it simply amazes me. 

Even though I’d read about the sub getting turned on while being beaten, I never figured that that would be the case with me. That’s what I get for thinking! The pain can turn to pleasure and yeah, you’re gonna get wet! In fact one of the last times that I went to a party I was so turned on and He knew exactly what he was doing, and the whole thing sent me into subspace. Talk about a rush! A natural high, it was amazing.