The right to be a submissive

Every once in a while I get an email with prompts for journal entries. Today I got one that said this: 

You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.

I know that for some submissives, this is a difficult thing. In this day and age women are taught to be strong and to be independent. For some, it has cost them jobs and relationships, which is just truly sad. 

For me, although not active in the lifestyle right at this moment, it’s a difficult thing to let go of my every day self and to give that control, that power, over to someone else. There are times when I really crave that though, to just be able to let go – ha! Easier said than done! There were times when I was at a dungeon party where I felt uncomfortable for a good while because I had difficulties slipping out of myself and into my submissive self. The rewards however, were great, when I was able to do this. 

How many of you out there struggle with this?

Decision Made

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what it is exactly that I want. I know I what the D/s in my life, I’d love to find the right Dom for me, it’s just not happening right now. I want to be a part of the community, but that is very difficult to do when you don’t trust the people in the community. 

Trust is such a huge factor in this lifestyle and when that trust is broken, it’s hard to get back. I’ve learned some things and there’s just no going back from that.

So I’ve decided not to go back to the group that I started my journey with. Although I’m still friends with several of the group members, I just can’t go back when I don’t trust the people there. I would like to, as I really do miss being active in the group, but not at the expense that I feel I’d have to pay. I’d have to pretend that I didn’t know things every time that the group got together and I just don’t want to do that.

Back to the drawing board I go! I know that the right group and Dom are out there, I will just have to be patient. And those that know me the best know that patience isn’t necessarily one of my better virtues! 

Onward to the next stop in my life, wish me luck!

What I really want.....

Wow! Can’t believe that it’s been over a month since I last posted! Been pretty busy and busy keeping busy! 

Some things have changed in my local community/group and even in the other semi-local group, I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing in the coming months. If/when I get back into the scene, it’s going to be different than when I left and I’m not sure what is going to be there for me, if I’m still going to be able to get what I need out of a scene….that’s a heart wrenching prospect for me. 

Thanksgiving was good, spent time with the family, that’s always fun. But it also made me reflect on someone who is not having an easy time of it right now and that made me sad. I wanted to be able to be there for that person, but I’m not being given that opportunity (their choice).  And now we’ve got Christmas coming up….all I want to do is help….and it doesn’t seem like that is possible. 

Have you ever been in a situation where someone reaches out to you, needs you and your friendship, but can’t/won’t tell you what is going on? It’s very difficult. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot. I like to help people, I like to feel needed….I want to help more but it just doesn’t seem like it’s possible right now. <sigh>

Have been saddened by the loss of a wonderful human being, Paul Walker. Such a wonderful man who was so much more than his movies! Watched Fast & Furious 6 last night, the first few minutes and opening credits had me bawling. That actually helped, as I was in such bummed mood yesterday I needed something. 

I’m still really missing my monthly sessions. Not only do I miss my friends, but I miss the entire D/s frame of mind that it put me in. I’ve thought about it a lot over the months and realize that although I feel that I love my own personal space, I love my life the way it is, I want to have that D/s connection with that D type as well. I’m not talking a 24/7 type relationship – I honestly don’t think I could handle that – and especially not a TPE 24/7 relationship – is killing your D type illegal??! J But I do want that D/s relationship. I honestly think that the part of me that likes to help and be needed would be satisfied with something like this. The part of me that wants to be loved and cherished would enjoy the D type relationship. It’s so difficult to find though. The right D type for me has to be out there somewhere! I thought I might have found him but then the things happened over the summer. Once again I’m brought back to the whole patience is a virtue thing….I don’t like being patient and I’m not very good at it! 

I’m really hoping that with the New Year new things will be coming and that things might work out for me this time. Just because they haven’t before, doesn’t mean that they won’t this time, right? Power of Positive Thinking!

My V8 Moment

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.” (random quote I found - don't know who said it)

Have you ever sat there and recognized yourself in those V8 commercials? Not that you’re drinking V8, but that you hit yourself on the head? Yeah, that would have been me this weekend! <snort>

I’ve had all kinds of feelings over the last few months. Mad at my situation. Mad at the ones who ‘helped’ get me into this situation. Mad at the DM and Dom who decided on my punishment. Then I was mad because it seemed like everyone was against me. Hurt because it appeared that no one wanted to talk to me. Sad because I really wanted/needed to go to the parties and couldn’t.

Not once during all of that did I ever once think about how other people might be feeling. I didn’t think of how hard it must have been for the DM and the Dom to punish me like this, knowing how much they like/care for me. How the group as a whole must feel. Knowing that something happened, wanting to know yet unsure because what if they did the same thing and they get into trouble too??

I sat there and thought, wow….really? It just never occurred to me that others might be hurting over this situation as well.

I’ve been hurt so many times in the past that it’s hard to let people in. It’s difficult to let them see the real me. I tend to stay locked away from people so that I don’t get hurt. Then I joined this group, became active in the lifestyle and opened myself up. I’m not used to seeing how my actions can hurt other people and how that trust is now shaky and needs to be rebuilt.

I’m so very thankful that I have a friend who is willing to set his Dom self aside to help me see what I couldn’t see before. I’m thankful that I listened to my gut and contacted him just to say ‘hello’ and then got invited over for coffee (which I drank and I HATE coffee!). I was able to come away from this talk feeling so much better about myself, my situation and everyone, the entire group that is involved.

I’m going to take his suggestions to heart and think positively and whether it’s next month or not, I will get to go back and play again!

Saturday just sucks! :(

Sitting here and I almost feel like crying. It’s almost 6:00pm. All the subs would be changed and ready to party. Everyone would be gathered. The music would be on and you could almost feel the tension in the air. The expectancy of the night to come. I want to hate this Saturday. I want to hate that my friends are having fun. But I can’t deny them their pleasure. My salvation is in remembering the past parties and how good I felt. Remembering the last party that I went to and how I was just this side of subspace. How wonderful I felt. I was able to take so much more at that party than I had at any of the previous parties, which only makes sense. It’s those feelings that help me get through the Saturdays that are party days, the days that I miss and would give just about anything to be with them.